If I could go back in time, and tell some people around me just one thing, it would be to never start cutting yourself or hurt yourself in any way. Self-harm was something people never thought of before. It was in my school time- when all the stresses put on your mind were relationships, grades, and competition. My friend was average with studies and was living her life with a toxic boyfriend. In addition to that, she had some family problems. With all that stress and pressure and unhappiness, the first time she cut herself and she actually felt some relief. I don’t know what type of endorgan rush was that, but she didn’t feel so uncomfortable for a minute, and in her head, she was like “hey, this is awesome”, she kept on doing it often. And, you won’t believe many people in my school did that.
She didn’t realize though how difficult it was to keep her wrist covered all the time. When someone saw the cuts on her wrist and asked about them, she would make up stories and excuses, telling them “oh my cat scratched me,” or “I felt down on a sharp stone” funny right? She learned that self-harm was making her feel relaxed and she should often do that. Fights with a boyfriend? Cut your wrist. An argument with mom? Cut your wrist. Bad grades? Cut your wrist. It started going on and on. Then it was like a real addiction and that once you start it is nearly impossible to stop.
It continued for almost 4 years, and that was a really scary realization to come to. I tried stopping but it was impossible. During school times, I wasn’t aware of any therapist or something like that. I didn’t even know therapy exists. Suddenly, she started regretting, “I wish I never started cutting myself.” After a few years, her parents found out that she had been hurting herself, and her parents yelled at her saying “We didn’t bring you into this world to cut yourself up.” Exactly, that’s what I thought, God didn’t bring you to this beautiful world to hurt or harm yourself. She was not only hurting herself, but she was hurting the people around her, and hurting the people she loved. Finally, she realized that whatever she did wasn’t healthy, not just for her, but for everyone around her, it was harmful to everyone. She felt ashamed of this stupid habit, but at least she put an effort to make it stop.
But, every little thing that may go wrong would send her right back into that unhealthy way of thinking, followed by feeling depressed. She was getting better but the depression was taking her away. She got used to cutting herself so much that whenever there was any inconvenience in her life the thoughts started running in her mind, “Cut yourself, Kill yourself, Cut yourself, Kill yourself.”
It was the end of high school, everything was going fine and we all were busy with finding colleges. I was at home studying and suddenly I got a call from her mom that she jumped out of her building terrace. She committed suicide. She killed herself. She died. I became numb. I was in shock! Reason? No one knows till date. She may not be able to fully fix herself right at the moment, somehow she tried. But, the addiction to hurting her never left her. It actually killed her in the end.
Through this story, I’m trying to help those who may be going through the same situation. I’m not an expert or anything but I read somewhere about a few trigger warnings that someone may be suicidal. I was not able to help my friend but you could. Warnings: The person is constantly talking about wanting to die, talking about existential things, socially withdrawn suddenly, self-destructive, extreme mood swings, they’ve talked about ways to die, thinking they’re a burden to others, practised self-harm, self-hatred, loneliness, the list goes on and on. Please learn these triggers, it might save someone’s life.
If she was alive, she would’ve said never start cutting or hurting yourself in the first place. Talk to someone – a therapist, a loved one or a family member – and get help. Don’t engage yourself in habits like this that one day you can’t stop yourself. Allow yourself to feel pain and cry out loud. Trust me, you’ll feel relaxed.
Here at My Blogus, we take the initiative to raise awareness on #WorldSuicideAwarenessDay / #WorldSuicidePreventionDay by helping others to open up and speak about their problems without any judgement through our platform. Also, to let people understand that talking about mental health isn’t a big deal.
Breathe, pause and then seize another day.