It’s normal to question your sexuality in some part of your life. You might get confused if your certain feelings towards men and women are real or not. On the other hand, you may have known for many years that you’re attracted to more than one gender. Then there’s a huge battle in your mind, to let people know that you’re bi because bisexuals are less acknowledged than other LGBT kinds. Being a Bi, sometimes you feel less intimidating to come out of the closet because you can pass being straight and gay. Sometimes, they just fear a society’s stigmatization or family disapproval.
So here’s my story of still struggling coming out of the bisexual closet.
It’s amazing how other LGBT members, bisexuals, enjoy the freedom and pride wearing the being Bi tag. Whereas, I on the other side was discovering my identity of what type of bisexual I am? As there are heterosexual leaning, homosexual leaning, 50/50, and many more. With my discovery as heterosexual leaning bi, I feared no longer getting stuck with one label. People might call me queer, bi, or pansexual (which I’m not).
On the other hand, I have been dating boys since forever and never dated girls. The only attraction I’d towards girls was the physical attraction. My first moment with a girl was at my college night camp, where we kissed in a cozy breeze under the stars, it was magical. I had crushes on other girls and have been attracted to many. Since I didn’t come out of the closet in my life before, I didn’t know a single bi girl or man and believed I was the only one. You don’t realize easily, because people always assumed girl dating another girl is gay, man dating a woman is straight but attracted to more than one gender is indeed bisexual.
I first came out of the closet with (now) boyfriend (we’re still together), he got a little confused. But, eventually he was totally cool with it. Once I got confidence from telling my boyfriend, I confessed about my sexuality to my work besties, 3 college friends (Surprisingly, one of them was bi), school besties and my brother. All of them were amazed and never judged me. Before telling my close friends I had this thought in my mind, if they reject me I’ll learn who my real friends are.
Then the time came to tell my parents. My relationship with my mom is very friendly but sometimes she’s very strong on her beliefs and trying to confess about sexualities was confusing. Whereas my dad never in his life supported LGBT, he still doesn’t. So, this happened after a couple of weeks of telling my close friends, we all were in a great mood, laughing and chit-chatting. My dad asked me, when are you getting married? He loves my boyfriend, so he’s just excited to see us together. In a funny way, I brought up my sexuality indirectly, “ Oh, you know what? I love girls, too. I would love to marry a girl.” He got so furious and started thinking about how being gay is unnatural and he thought I got this idea into my mind because of the movies and sitcoms I watch. All of a sudden, he got angry and said, “ It’s a sin and I don’t want my kids to commit one.” I tried explaining to him, that wasn’t the case but he would not believe me. At that point, I was so infuriated that I didn’t want to continue that conversation anymore. So, I decided not to tell my parents ever, because I didn’t want to risk coming out, while we all are under one roof and dependent.
My whole confidence in telling people and making it official about me being bisexual just shattered. I find it dangerous to make it official right now, as people might think I’m doing it to get attention or sympathy or it’s just a trend.
The overall process of coming out is still very scary for me, as I’m a socially awkward and anxious person, which makes me doubt my identity many times.
In the end, I just want to say, I’m not stuck in my life just because I haven’t come out of the closet, yet. I’m still bi If I end up with a man, a woman or choose to remain single. I’m the only person who can figure out my sexuality and its identity. Sharing your sexual orientation story to people is just to make it easier to make people know who you are, except your parents.
After all, I know. Once I decide to come out, there will be many types of people around me, supportive ones, or some who’ll support me but gossip behind my back, or completely disown me. And, I’m ready to accept their decisions, because you just can’t force anyone to accept your identity. It’s literally a roller coaster coming out of the closet journey, where deep down I know, a vibrant community is waiting for me, and it’s going to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
You’re not alone!