The first time I was asked as a kid whom do you love the most? After some deep thoughts which my tiny head could gather, me, I said. You!! How can you love your own self the most?
It sounds selfish, beta, I was told. So, from the next time I was asked who do you love the most, I would name anybody but never me. And believe me, every time I answered I knew I was lying but if I didn’t lie the other person would call me selfish.
Slowly, the fear of judgment was replaced by expectations. I so wanted others also to take my name, I wanted someone to love me the most, the way I do, but no one did. And then I started pleasing people, acted according to them, wanted to be just the way they like so that they could like me. I made myself available for people even when I was busy. I keep looking for validations which eventually lead to some broken expectations and began hurting me to the core. I was losing it all just to please them, I was losing self which I didn’t even know to exist. I thought I was a misfit so I tried to fit in.
It was all about them not about me. I dont know how many people I made happily but there was someone inside me who was definitely not happy. I was changed into