Many people believe having bipolar is being moody. I’ve always been living with my highs and lows, like living with extreme happiness and extreme impulsiveness. It’s not unusual for people to get diagnosed with the disorder. If you’re not aware of this disorder, it’s basically an extreme shift in your mood. If you’re happy all of a sudden you will feel like killing yourself. It’s like having an episode in your mood. You’re on your emotional high, and living two lives in one body. It is also called as Manic depression. People diagnosed with bipolar often find it difficult to manage daily tasks or maintain relationships. There’s no cure but there are many treatments available.
Here’s my story living with Bipolar and I hear and see things which are not real.
I had a tough time growing up. I’ve always been changing my schools and colleges due to bullying because of my Depression and low self-esteem. Throughout my life, I struggled with low self-esteem and depression. It was something I always had to live with. I had to complete my education with extra emotional support. After my graduation, I was very excited to start my life as a financially independent woman.
Initially, things were going fine because I found a balance between my mental health and work life. I’d often found myself sleeping less but I somehow managed to cope up with my work.
Many evenings like others I was sitting silently at the nearest garden from my office. Something changed, my thoughts were Does Bipolar make you crazy?racing and I could barely keep up with my thoughts. I felt like someone was watching me. I ran to my house and tried sleeping by thinking of positive things. Despite thinking of positive things, a lot of theories were running inside my head and inner thoughts were watching me from outside. The next morning I booked my appointment with my therapist and consulted her. I don’t know, why I kept on talking about time theories, inner thoughts about life, animals, history, and what anything. All of a sudden, I felt tired but my mind couldn’t stop.
My parents got me to admit where my mind got fuzzier and I started believing that I’m some important figure from the past and I got convinced by it. I started talking to nurses about my weird inventions and discoveries which I never did.
I started writing my inner thoughts and theories on the wall. But after a week, whatever things I did in the hospital about my theories and inner thoughts vanished. I absolutely had no idea how much time it passed. And, that’s when the doctor told me I’ve Bipolar disorder.
I was terrified and confused when I heard that I’ve bipolar disorder. I stayed in the hospital for a long time so that I’ll start adjusting with my mental health. One night I started seeing people and things that I’d written on the wall. I kept running around in the night to find more discoveries. My parents were scared of me. I was waiting for a normal life.
Finally, after a month, I came out of the hospital, but I was scared of people about what would they think about me or what my family will think about me. One day, I literally pushed myself and went on a date with my boyfriend and I started feeling off when we reached the restaurant. It had a very colorful ambiance and all of a sudden I felt like I’m an artist behind those arts. Some voice inside my head started hunting me down. I ran into the bathroom and asked the inside voice to calm down. The voices wanted me to draw more on the wall. As soon as I came into my senses I asked my date to leave the place and drop me home.
The scariest thing of the disorder is you truly believe the imaginary things, the same way you believe 5+5 is 10. Blackouts started coming to me again and again. I isolated myself from people because I didn’t want to make people think that I was some weirdo.
I remember whenever I’d blackouts, I believed that going under the shower would take away all the thoughts, and somehow it will erase everything. But whenever I finished showering I used to think an invisible person was watching me.
I felt defeated this time so my parents took me to the hospital again. They didn’t make me leave for a long time and it was a really hard time for me. I was just waiting for a normal life, where I could meet people, enjoy life, and don’t scare anyone. I didn’t want to be a crazy girl who had voices inside her head.
When I got discharged, I started participating in therapies, became more vocal about the problem, and accepted the help that was offered to me. And that was the only way I could get better. To date, I still get those extreme feelings of craziness but therapies and medications are keeping me sane.
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