I’ll never forget my first ever crush! I was about 14 years old and he was our science professor from my school. My cheeks would always turn red whenever he looked at me or asked any questions. I went on to have lots of boy crushes at school too and I was very much a daydreamer. I still have a huge crush on Leonardo DiCaprio and who doesn’t?
During my teenage years, many of my friends would describe their heterosexuality by saying some boys are just hot to look at. Sometimes I thought they were right and figured that’s all it was and I was just admiring their bodies. But, in spite of being a boy, I never was attracted to girls or felt like dating them whenever any girl used to approach me. There was this boy in my basketball team, I used to be jealous of him because he was a little dominating to his other team members but deep down I was attracted to him. I wanted to be close to him the same way other couples are.
Did I try confessing to that boy? No, because homosexuality or gay wasn’t a word that commonly came up in school or in any conversation. The only gay word used to appear when they wanted to tease anyone. That’s why I feared coming out of my closet in front of my friends and family. The fear of coming out of the closet followed me like a creepy person.
4 years passed away as this and I moved to another city to pursue my further education. I was living with my roommate who also became my best friend. We were in the same school so ideally, we shared a lot of memories. I seemed to be so much attached to him. I sometimes felt that we would kiss. There’s something about his appearance, his personality, the way he talks, the way he looks and his smile. I wish I could let him know about my feelings but I feared being judged or he would no longer be my best friend.
So I forced myself to repress my feelings again and again. I started browsing online forums about the LGBT community at the same time. During college, I tried focusing on studies and distracted myself. Few days passed, one night at the bar near my college I locked eyes with the handsome looking boy several times but deep down I was in love with my room-mate. My crush for him started growing and growing each day.
One day I was trying to complete my assignment, he was taking a shower in the bathroom, he came out in his towel and almost slipped. He went to his closet and started asking me which shirt would suit his grey jeans. We both were actually going to our college fresher’s party and I thought it would be a perfect time to let him know about my feelings for him. So, to make it a little interesting I left a scheduled mail that would be delivered to him once the party is over. What was written in the mail? Take a look; “You are the amazing person I ever met in my entire life. It’s been years now and I feel this much attracted to you. I admire you so much and the truth is I’ve been crushing on you for a very long time but haven’t got a chance to confess it to you. I hope someday I’ll be able to look you in the eyes and tell you how much I love you. Your best friend!”
We were at our fresher’s party, having an amazing time suddenly one girl ran into his arm and hugged him. I thought she must be his classmate or something. But after a while, they started dancing and kissed each other. I was shattered. It was my first and most hurtful heartbreak I ever experienced. I realized he’s straight. I immediately ran outside my college to find the network so that I can delete the scheduled mail which I sent him. Luckily, I did it and I left the party. After some time he started calling me to ask why I left the party. I left the call unattended.
After a while, he came home and he saw my tears rolling out of my eyes. He started asking me what happened? What’s wrong? Did any girl ditched you?. At that moment, I felt like hugging him and crying. But, I took a deep breath and told him about my feelings and struggle of being gay. I also confessed to him I always fear to lose you as my best friend. He was the first person to whom I was coming out of my closet.
Guess what? He just smiled and said It’s okay to have those feelings, I support you and I’m glad you’d crush on me this shows how handsome I’m and we both laughed. Because of him, I got the courage to come out to my other close friends and it has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Although, I haven’t confessed to my parents yet. I don’t think so they’ll accept me since I come from a very conservative family and that’s a different struggle.
Eventually, I moved on from his feelings and one day when I was coming back from work, I met the same guy with whom I locked my eyes at the bar. We both were surprised to see each other. That same evening we caught up at the nearest cafe, exchanged contact numbers, and started talking. He was one of the most confident and smart guys I ever met in my entire life. Now we both are in a happy relationship and it’s been 2 years. Because of my best friend and my now-boyfriend, I realized I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.
This pride month, I just want to say, you don’t need to be afraid to accept yourself for who you are. It’s been a huge part of my journey to loving and respecting myself entirely. Accept and feel proud of yourself.
I’m gay and I’m finally happy about that.